Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Meanwhile in the Fairfax Editor's office...

EDITOR: Didn't I say last week I wanted this Harawira blokes career destroyed?
SUB EDITOR: We've been doing everything we can, the problem is every time he appears on TV he seems so reasonable.
ED: That's why we're in the print media, we don't even have to prove he said anything...make something up if you have to.
SUB ED: We've already tried that...didn't you read yesterdays story?
ED: I don't read the stories dammit, I tell you what to write.
SUB ED: Why are we trying to destroy him anyway?
ED: Because he's racist!
SUB ED: Well if you actually listen to what he has to say...
ED: Then because he's not racist enough...racism sells dammit
SUB ED: So what now then?
ED: I want complete destruction. Link him to Al Qaeda, Print a photo of him bashing a woman...a white woman...and some animal cruelty...put in some dancing ponies...in chains...ooh and something about cancer too, that always sells......now what were we talking about again?
SUB ED: Hone Harawira
ED: Forget him he's last weeks news...follow up on this story about dancing ponies...people love ponies

Sunday, May 22, 2011

3 Ways We Know Roger Douglas is a Zombie

The announcement that Roger Douglas would re-stand for Parliament in 2008 was a shock in many ways. Mostly though it was such a shock because no one knew he was still alive. There are three clear signs that prove the return of Roger Douglas must have involved some late night grave digging.

In the dead of night he appeared

1. He returned from the dead

While the exact date of his death is unknown, it is widely speculated that Roger Douglas died some time around 2004. Certainly no one seems to be able to prove he was alive any time between 2004 and 2008. Even his own profile and biography on Acts website mysteriously stops in 2004. No pictures, nothing.

When he was pulled out in front of the cameras in 2008, something didn't seem right. There was a certain 'non-living' quality about him that made many suspicious.

Before and after makeup
Not much different

2. He has all the hallmarks of a Zombie

First, his expression never changes. This is perhaps the clearest indication of Zombiefication. Second, he mumbles in an undead monotone and struggles to put sentences together, again a clear indication. Thirdly, he repeats himself over and over again. It's just that rather than walking down the street saying “eat brains, eat brains”, he stands inside parliament saying “free market, free market”. If you have any doubts watch this video clip and then tell me that the man you are watching is not a zombie.

Mmmm those brains look tasty

3. He wants to kill the poor

One thing all zombies have in common is a desire to kill. In fact it seems to be the only reason they rise from the grave. Roger Douglas is no different, except he seems to be a bit picky about what brains to eat. Leave the rich alone and kill the poor. But come to think of it this seems to be the case for most zombies. How many zombie movies have you seen where the zombies go marching down Rodeo Drive munching on rich people. No it seems to always be the common working class who get stuck with mindless brain eating zombies. Once again, Roger differs slightly from traditional zombies. Rather than ripping heads open and eating brains, he prefers the slow kill. Cut public services, cut welfare, remove minimum wage, cut state housing. Let the poor starve on the streets, then his zombie friends can come and clean up the remnants.

"Give me your brains!"


Saturday, May 21, 2011

Another year another rapture

Well raptures nearly over for another year and I'd have to say I'm quite disappointed. I'd left out a glass of milk and some cookies and set up the tree, but woke to find no presents.

God, this is not the first time you've let us down and I'm sure it won't be the last. Still I would have liked to have had the opportunity to sit down with you and have a palaver. I imagine it would have gone something like this...

GOD: Hey Duncan
D: Cookie?
G: Thanks, I'm famished. Just finished giving a few thousand people cancer, aids and a bunch of other diseases. Tiring work.
D: I can imagine..
G: No you can't, you're not God! You could not conceive of what it's like to be the almighty.
D: All right, chill. Eat your cookie.
G: Don't tell me what to do!
D: Sorry God.
G: That's better. Now tell me, why have you chosen the middle of the rapture to start a conversation with God. Don't you realise I'm busy.
D: Seemed a good a time as any. Now let's get one thing straight God. Obviously you're not really going to go through with this rapture business.
G: And why is that?
D: Because then you'd have no humans left on earth to torment.
G: True, true, though I could just create some more.
D Come on God, there's no way you would create more humans. We're a fun little experiment gone wrong. You despise humanity, admit it.
G: Well, I wouldn't say despise...that seems a bit harsh.
D: God, you're a king size jerk who despises humans and gets kicks from finding all sorts of ways to maim, torture and kill us.
G: What makes you think you can talk to the creator this way!?
D: Because its the rapture. I'm screwed anyway.
G: true enough, true enough.
D: So here's the question I have for you big G. If you're so almighty how come there is so much war, disease, rape, torture, poverty and other injustices? How come even many of your devoted followers, even the ones that don't sin, how come even they get struck down by a Bus, or die slowly of cancer, or have to live on the street, or get raped or have some other horrible thing happen?
G: It's a test
D: It makes you an arrogant jerk.
G: Everyone must prove themselves worthy through trial and tribulation. They must pass the test.
D: God, if I was a teacher and I set a test for my students, but randomly picked what grades to give people so that no matter how hard someone studied, they never knew if they'd pass or not, do you know what my students would call me?
G: I don't see how...
D: They'd call me an arrogant jerk.
G: This is outrageous, I created you, you can't speak to me this way!
D: See here's the thing God. You keep claiming to be the almighty, but if you can't stop me speaking then it doesn't look good for you.
G: I could stop you if I wanted to.
D: Go on then.
G: I'm not in the mood right now, I've got my mind on other things.
D: Like the rapture?
G: Yes exactly, like the rapture.
D: God, the closest you'll ever get to the rapture is listening to a bad Blondie song. Let me lay it down for you. Either you don't have control over what happens on Earth, in which case you're not the almighty and there's no point believing in you, or you do have control over what happens on Earth in which case you're a sick sadistic jerk and there's no point in believing in you. You may have noticed less and less people at Church these days?
G: Well I thought that was just because Churches are cold. People don't tend to dress as warmly these days.
D: You're deluding yourself God.
G: How can I delude myself, if I am all powerful?
D: If you were all powerful then you would have the power to delude yourself.
G: Yes I guess I could...
D: But if you were all powerful, wouldn't you also have the power to stop yourself being deluded?
G: Stop you're confusing me, how can it be one and not the other?
D: It can't.
G: But that would mean...
D: That you don't really exist?
G: Aha I've got you there. If I didn't really exist how could I be talking to you right now?
D: Are you talking to me?
G: Didn't I just say I was?
D: Or am I just writing this all on a computer right now, inventing the whole thing?
G: You'll see. If you wake up tomorrow and the rapture has taken place, then you'll know I exist.
D: God, I'm willing to take my chances.