Sunday, May 22, 2011

3 Ways We Know Roger Douglas is a Zombie

The announcement that Roger Douglas would re-stand for Parliament in 2008 was a shock in many ways. Mostly though it was such a shock because no one knew he was still alive. There are three clear signs that prove the return of Roger Douglas must have involved some late night grave digging.

In the dead of night he appeared

1. He returned from the dead

While the exact date of his death is unknown, it is widely speculated that Roger Douglas died some time around 2004. Certainly no one seems to be able to prove he was alive any time between 2004 and 2008. Even his own profile and biography on Acts website mysteriously stops in 2004. No pictures, nothing.

When he was pulled out in front of the cameras in 2008, something didn't seem right. There was a certain 'non-living' quality about him that made many suspicious.

Before and after makeup
Not much different

2. He has all the hallmarks of a Zombie

First, his expression never changes. This is perhaps the clearest indication of Zombiefication. Second, he mumbles in an undead monotone and struggles to put sentences together, again a clear indication. Thirdly, he repeats himself over and over again. It's just that rather than walking down the street saying “eat brains, eat brains”, he stands inside parliament saying “free market, free market”. If you have any doubts watch this video clip and then tell me that the man you are watching is not a zombie.

Mmmm those brains look tasty

3. He wants to kill the poor

One thing all zombies have in common is a desire to kill. In fact it seems to be the only reason they rise from the grave. Roger Douglas is no different, except he seems to be a bit picky about what brains to eat. Leave the rich alone and kill the poor. But come to think of it this seems to be the case for most zombies. How many zombie movies have you seen where the zombies go marching down Rodeo Drive munching on rich people. No it seems to always be the common working class who get stuck with mindless brain eating zombies. Once again, Roger differs slightly from traditional zombies. Rather than ripping heads open and eating brains, he prefers the slow kill. Cut public services, cut welfare, remove minimum wage, cut state housing. Let the poor starve on the streets, then his zombie friends can come and clean up the remnants.

"Give me your brains!"


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