Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Breaking News: John Key conversation leaked

A tape of the following conversation was leaked to the media at 4:19pm this afternoon. It appears to be Prime Minister John Key and his Public Relations manager, Sean Fitztastic, having a private discussion regarding Prime Minister's Key's latest media gaffe.

Sean Fitztastic: Oh god John what are you doing to me!
John Key: Oh mellow out Sean, you're so serious all the time
SF: 'Mellow out'! Is that what the kids are saying these days John?
JK: Well no actually its what we used to say in the 70's. Good point Sean, I'll have to ask my kids what they say these days. Probably something like "you gots ta chill gaybo" (snaps fingers)
SF: What the hell was that?
JK: Ummm...just a little something the kids do
SF: Don't ever do it again
JK: I think you're forgetting who the Prime Minister is here Sean
SF: No you're forgetting who the Prime Minister is John. How could you compare NZ's clean green image to a McDonald's ad
JK: They've got a great marketing campaign, they make millions.
SF: Not the point John!
JK: Its slick, the food always looks better on the ads, and they had that cool kid Justin Biebel singing (sings) 'ooh ooh I'm lovin it'
SF: (stares blankly)
JK: What?
SF: Don't ever do that again...And it was Justin Timberlake anyway
JK: Well anyway he sure can sing (sings and shakes hips) 'I'm bringing sexy back'
SF: (loud slapping sound followed by a small whimper) What the hell has gotten in to you recently!
JK: I'm an entertainer Sean, I've got an audience to think about. I perform for thousands of people each week you know
SF: John, we've been through this before. You are not an entertainer. You make speeches about policy. You are the Prime Minister
JK: That's right I'm the Prime Minister
SF: Umm John, did you really just poke your tongue out at me
JK: Maybe
SF: Don't ever do that again
JK: It's what the kids do
SF: Snap out of it John. You're not a kid, you're not cool, you're not hip, you're the fucking Prime Minister
JK: Now steady on a bit Sean
SF: Don't you remember when we were riding a wave of popularity? There was a time when you could do no wrong
JK: I can't do any wrong, what's changed?
SF: You've changed John...you've changed. Why did you make yourself Tourism Minister anyway? What do you know about tourism?
JK: Well I go on a lot of holidays
SF: Not in New Zealand you don't
JK: Well no, but I thought about my holiday house in Hawaii and I thought, 'I want to make New Zealand a place where I would buy another holiday home. I want New Zealand to be the 'New Hawaii'
SF: And you bought a new holiday home?
JK: Well no, let's get serious here Sean. New Zealand's never going to compare with Hawaii. We can't even keep our clean green image in tact
SF: Oh for fucks sake. John there was a time when I thought this gig was going to lead me to great things.
JK: Like PR for the President of the US?
SF: Beyonce's publicist
JK: Oh I like Beyonce, she know's how to sing... (sings) 'I'm a survivor'. She's quite good looking for a black lady
SF: This is what I mean John, you can't just say things like that.
JK: Like what
SF: Like that, 'good looking for a black lady'
JK: What I can't find women attractive now?
SF: Its just like your 'gay red top' comment John. You speak without thinking
JK: Oh you know the media, they're just like the Maori's, they make a mountain out of a molehill
SF: Excuse me?
JK: You know, like this selling assets business. Its what we're doing, everyone knows that we don't have to obey the Treaty, lets just get on with it. Why turn it in to such a big deal.
SF: You know I'm Maori John?
JK: Well yeah, but you're not like one of them
SF: One of them?
JK: Well you know what I mean
SF: Ok listen John, if you want to save the next election...
JK: Well I'm not so worried about that, I mean six years is quite a long time already. I've got other plans you know
SF: Let me re-phrase then. John if you want to save your image...
JK: Oh my image, isn't it great. I had 20 new likes on Facebook this week
SF...if you want to save your image you're going to have to start doing two key things
JK: he he he
SF: What?
JK: You said 'Key'...like two 'Key' things...and my name is Key...he he he
SF: Oh forget it, I quit.

See also 'Meanwhile in the Fairfax Editor's Office - Part Two'

Saturday, November 10, 2012

Meanwhile in the Fairfax Editor's Office...Part Two

EDITOR: What's this story about John Key wearing a gay red shirt? Why are we printing this crap?
SUB EDITOR: You told us you wanted more stories about John Key sir
ED: Not this kind of story.
SUB ED: Umm...
ED: The kind people want to read! Dammit do I have to do all the thinking around here
SUB ED: It seems pretty popular...
ED: Something interesting dammit...like his mansion...I've been there you know, beautiful place, the toilets! My god you've never shat in such luxury. And the windows! Triple glazed you know
SUB ED:Umm sure...We've already run plenty of those though sir
ED: Well we need some balance dammit, we can't just run negative stories without a balance
SUB ED: I think this might be the first negative story we've ever run on John Key sir...
ED: What's the big deal anyway? He said he just meant weird
SUB ED: I think that's the point sir, he's saying that gay corresponds with weird
ED:
SUB ED: Like saying that if you are gay you are weird...
ED:
ED: You've lost me
SUB ED: He's saying...
ED: Did I ever tell you about the time I had to interview that chap the kids love. What's his name... Charlie Manson?
SUB ED: Umm...Marilyn Manson?
ED: Sure, girly name of course. You try and tell me that pansy isn't weird
SUB ED: But...he's not gay sir
ED: Well a fag then.
SUB ED:
ED: Queer...fruity...I don't know, what's the bloody 'PC' word these days
SUB ED: Gay sir
ED: That's what I said the first time dammit
SUB ED: Yes but he's not gay
ED: Of course he's not gay, he's the Prime Minister of our country for Pete's sake. So he wore a weird red shirt one time, let's not make a big deal out of this
SUB ED: Of course sir. So shall we run a puff piece like the Herald did then?
ED: A what? You know this newspaper doesn't do 'puff' pieces. I want real journalism
SUB ED: We haven't run a story about his holiday home in Hawaii for a while...
ED: Perfect. Oh and do a follow up to that dancing ponies story. Let's cash in on the whole 'gay' thing while its hot

 Meanwhile in the Fairfax Editor's Office...Part One